Superhero Interview
by fairhearts
Summary: I interview Batman, Superman and Spiderman


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Batman, Superman, Spiderman: The Interview   
by Fairhearts 

Disclaimer: I'm broke. Don't sue. Not Mine. These heros belong to DC comics, Marvel, Warner Brothers, Saban and anyone else I may have forgotten. FH is mine because I'm fairhearts. Rated PG 

FAIRHEARTS: Welcome to our cartoon interview. I'm FAIRHEARTS and I'm filling in for GEM this week. After the last interview she left for much needed therap - uh - vacation. Today legendary superheros have agreed to visit. Batman, Superman and Spiderman. Hello Gentlemen. 

SUPERMAN: Glad to be here.   
SPIDERMAN: 'Bout time some one realized my greatness.   
Batman says nothing. 

FH: Yeees - well, I realize being a superhero is difficult. Long hours, no pay, no benefits. Lack of dates. Why do you do it? How do you cope?   
SUPERMAN: It's not easy but we have a responsibility. Helping people is what it's all about.   
SPIDERMAN: Speak for yourself, Mr. Kryptonite. I'm chased by crooks and cops alike. I deserve a little down time. A date every now and then. Some recognition. Do you think dealing with J. Jerk Jameson is easy? You try it.   
SUPERMAN: That's a selfish attitude Spiderman. It's not about glory.   
SPIDERMAN: Whatever.   
FH: Ah, gentlemen, perhaps Batman can have a comment.(looks at the Bat ) Why do you do this?   
BATMAN: None of your business.   
FH: Excuse me?   
SUPERMAN: He's a bit antisocial.   
SPIDERMAN: My kinda guy. 

FH: Moving on - I know each of you face incredible villains with strange powers. But of course you defeat them with your amazing powers and abilities.   
SUPERMAN: Thanks FH.   
FH: (giggles) What villain has been your greatest challenge?   
SUPERMAN: Well I...   
FH:(puts up hand) Hold that thought Superman. Batman? (Look's challengely at the Bat.)   
He pauses. The silence hangs in the air. They all stare at him.   
BATMAN: (His jaw twitches) The Joker. Always the Joker.   
Silence.   
FH: Care to add more?   
BATMAN: No.   
FH: (Eyes roll skyward) Superman?   
SPIDERMAN: Hey, why does he always get to go ahead of me?   
FH: You'll all get a chance.   
SPIDERMAN: Are you saying he's better than me?   
SUPERMAN: Please. Go ahead. (Bows to him)   
SPIDERMAN: (Sits straighter) Ahem. My greatest adversary was Venom. He knew my strengths weaknesses and my identity. Yet I beat the alien scum. Uh, no offense Superman.   
SUPERMAN: None taken (Smiles sarcastically)   
FH: Venom huh? Wasn't that alien a symbiot YOU wanted to bond with? When you had your black costume?   
SPIDERMAN: Uh - well, technically I was tricked into thinking it was good for me. They stare at him.   
FH:....Right. Superman?   
SUPERMAN: Well, I have to admit that's a difficult choice. Braniac always seems to come back no matter how many times I destroy him, yet I found Apocalypse to be equally challenging. However, Lex Luthor...   
SPIDERMAN: Are we gonna get a resume of your battles or can you get to the point?   
SUPERMAN: I was going to say Lex Luthor has been my greatest opponent be...   
SPIDERMAN: A mere human has you beat? Huh, how super is that?   
SUPERMAN: And you could do me the courtesy of being silent while I speak. I listened to your babble.   
SPIDERMAN: Babble? How long do we have to listen to you brag?   
SUPERMAN: Brag? I do not brag.   
SPIDERMAN: Spare me.   
SUPERMAN: Oh, grow up.   
SPIDERMAN: You wish. 

FH: Gentlemen. Lets continue...   
BATMAN: He's always been long winded.   
Everyone turns to Batman.   
BATMAN: (Looks at Superman) You talk too much.   
SUPERMAN: Don't start with me.   
SPIDERMAN: Oooh, do I sense a rivalry going on?   
FH: Quiet!! We're going to take a break and we'll be back after these messages 

  
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FH: Welcome back. Order has been restored. And lets keep it that way (eyes the men dangerously). Now. Your uniforms are certainly unique and reflect your personality. But how did you come up with the design? Did you guys make them yourself?   
Silence.   
FH: This is an easy question men. Batman?   
BATMAN: (He glares at her.) The design is to inflict terror. Who made it is irrelevant.   
SPIDERMAN: I'm supposed to be terrified of a bat? (He laughs) Puh 'lease.   
BATMAN: Bright red and blue wouldn't scare a flea.   
SUPERMAN: Back off Batman. There's nothing wrong with the color scheme.   
BATMAN: Of course you would agree with that. (Eyes Superman up and down.)   
SUPERMAN: (Frowns)   
FH: How did you choose your costume Superman?   
SUPERMAN: I - uh- wanted it to be friendly, all American.   
SPIDERMAN: Of course, Mr. boy scout.   
SUPERMAN: So what's the mask and spider motif saying about you?   
SPIDERMAN: It says spider as in Spider - Man.   
SUPERMAN: Not very original. No wonder you bonded with a symbiont. I'd think you'd come up with something better, you look like an intelligent young man.   
SPIDERMAN: Huh, what? Are - are you peeking? You can see who I am?   
SUPERMAN: Sorry. It's a reflex.   
BATMAN: That's what he always says.   
SPIDERMAN: So you know both our identities?   
SUPERMAN: Your secrets safe with me.   
SPIDERMAN: How reassuring.   
BATMAN: If it's any consolation, he's kept mine so far. But then I know his.   
SPIDERMAN: Well, aren't you just the best of chums? I'm the poor worm left dangling on a line.   
BATMAN:(Ominous voice) I make it my business to know.   
They stare at him. His tone sounded threatening. 

FH: Okaaay. Let's try this question. Batman do you find sidekicks make your job easier?   
BATMAN: I work alone.   
SUPERMAN: (Snorting) Yeah right.   
SPIDERMAN: Now who's in denial?   
FH: What about Batgirl, Robin, Nightwing? Hmmm?   
Silence.   
BATMAN: I - use them only on big cases.   
He glances at Superman who rolls his eyes.   
Spiderman is shaking with silent laughter.   
BATMAN: I suppose you think Supergirl isn't a sidekick?   
SUPERMAN: No. I try to get her to stay home and out of danger.   
BATMAN: Just what are you implying?   
FH: Hate to interrupt, but Superman, hasn't Jimmy Olson, Lois Lane and Steel also saved you or helped you on missions?   
SUPERMAN: .... Y - es, but I wouldn't call them sidekicks.   
BATMAN: Right.   
SPIDERMAN: Hah, I don't need any help. I've always been a loner. The only one I count on is me. I've done pretty good if I say so myself.   
They glare at him.   
SPIDERMAN: What?   
FH: We'll be back after this break.(mumbling) Sheesh, I thought superheros would be more well mannered than this.   
SUPERMAN: Excuse me?   
SPIDERMAN: What?   
BATMAN: growls under his breath   


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FH : Now after that much needed break, we're back. After this I may need much needed therapy. (Clears throat) Despite saving the world you must have time for a date?   
BATMAN: No.   
SUPERMAN: Never.   
SPIDERMAN: No way.   
FH: Uh - huh. So there is no special woman in your life?   
They shake their heads.   
FH: Well I have uncovered people who may not be special (eyes them unbelievingly) but sure have fun with you. In fact these women say you're crazy about them.   
Batman grips the arm of his chair, his fingers about to sprout blood. Superman's jaw twitches. Spiderman just stares.   
FH: Lets hear it for Catwoman, Lois Lane and Black Cat.   
The women saunter in and sit together on opposite sides to the men. FH sits in the middle.   
FH: So are you gals in a relationship with these hunks?   
Catwoman: Relationship is such a strong word.   
Lois Lane: He's kinda hard to pin down.   
Blackcat: Definitely hard to catch. 

FH: I see...   
CW: But what's a love affair if every thing went smoothly. What's romance with out danger. Pain. Right lover?   
She looks at Batman. His teeth are grinding.   
The others stare at him.   
SPIDERMAN: You're one sick dude aren't you Bats?   
BC: You're one to talk Spider.   
SPIDERMAN: Now Cat...   
LL:(To Superman) I think we're the only sane one's in this group.   
SUPERMAN: Tell me about it.   
Catwoman laughs.   
CW: Mr. and Mrs. Boy and Girl Scout. How pathetic. 

FH: People, lets focus.   
LL: You're not much of an interviewer are you?   
FH: What!?   
LL: I've won numerous awards, I could get the in depth story, but you can't even control a bunch of freaks in costumes.   
SUPERMAN: Lois!   
LL: Sorry Superman, but these masked heroes and their less than heroic femme fatales are as boring as grass in the morning. But listen, I can make your stories sizzle. If you guys give me an exclusive.   
BC: I wouldn't give you the time of day. You're nothing but a leach. Why don't you be quiet?   
LL: Yeah miss kitty, I'm really scared of you.   
CW: You'd better be more afraid of me than that little poodle over there. I can give your face an exclusive redesign.   
LL: In your dreams puss in boots.   
BC: Poodle!?   
BATMAN: (To Superman) No wonder she needs saving all the time.   
SPIDERMAN: You do like to live dangerously Superman. She is the devil. 

FH: Quiet. All of you! So you're denying Catwoman is your ideal woman?   
BATMAN: She's attractive, yes. Strong. Confident.   
FH: Demented and twisted too.   
Catwoman stands. HEY!   
FH (glares at her with insane eyes) Sit or anvils WILL drop on you.   
Catwoman looks at her a moment then sits and shrugs. She begins buffing her exceptionably long and perfectly manicured nails.   
FH: So Catwoman. Are you and Batman seeing each other?   
CW: I think Batman can answer that better, hmmm dear?   
BATMAN: No comment.   
CW: Yes, better to keep it quiet. Hmm? Not that Batman is the only hunk around. Now Superman you look like you're made of steel. And Spiderman You are very agile I'll bet. If you ever get tired of these stiffs you call girlfriends give me a call.   
BATMAN: Catwoman. (Voice dangerous)   
SUPERMAN:(To Spiderman) Still think Lois is horrible?   
SPIDERMAN: I repeat. You are one sick dude Bats.   
BC: You are so gonna be dead when we get out of here.   
CW: Please you couldn't beat a flea.   
FH: Speaking of fleas, Spiderman, do you deny feelings for Black Cat?   
SPIDERMAN: Feelings? Uh, well I respect her abilities. She's a great crime fighter.   
BC: We make a good team. Fighting crime. Or otherwise.   
FH: Team huh, as in sidekick?   
SPIDERMAN: I admit Cat has helped me out occasionally.   
BC: More than occasionally lover...   
SPIDERMAN: (Squirming) Cat. Please.   
FH: So there are times when you see each other, when you're not fighting crime?   
SPIDERMAN: Uh - uh...   
BC: I wouldn't exactly call it a date. But we have spent some quality time together.   
FH: Really?   
LL: Hmph, and I can't even get a date out of you.   
SUPERMAN: You know I'd like to, really...   
LL: I've heard that before.   
BC: Maybe if you weren't so busy being kidnaped he could stop rescuing you and go out. 

LL: What!! I don't need rescuing. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself.   
CW: (laughs) Oh, stop. You're too funny.   
SPIDERMAN: I hate to say it guys but your girlfriends are terrifying. I'd deal with Venom any day.   
SUPERMAN: Are you kidding, Lois is the normal one. You guys are dating cats.   
SPIDERMAN: I'd trust Cat to watch my back in any fight against any bad guy.   
BC: Thanks Spider. (She blows him a kiss)   
SUPERMAN: Same with Lois. She's been up against killer aliens, robots and Lex. And she survived them all. Not to mention saving me.   
They turned to Batman. He stared at the wall.   
FH: Nothing to add Batman?   
BATMAN: No.   
CW: Ohh don't worry about Batman. I understand.   
SPIDERMAN: Want to fill us in?   
CW: We have saved each other lives, we've taken down international criminals, even fought the Joker. We're like Sapphire and Steel. Anything else that happens doesn't matter. Isn't that right hon?   
Batman again falls silent.   
FH: Sooo, you trust each other?   
CW: Trust is too strong a word.   
Batman's silent   
CW: If he trusted me he'd let me know his identity. After all he knows mine.   
BATMAN: Catwoman, I...   
FH: It's a fact heroes identities are never revealed to the girlfriends unless marriage is proposed.   
LL: Guess I'll never find out.   
CW: Who cares about knowing? Look at those muscles. He's magnificent.   
They stare at her briefly.   
BC: I care more about Spiderman's courage, compassion and honor than something as fleeting as physical body or his identify.   
CW: I'm surrounded by babes. They are a bore aren't they Batman?   
They all stare at him. He clutches the chair arm again. 

FH: Well! This HAS been fun, almost as good as a root canal. That's our show for today. Thanks to the Superheros for visiting us. Tune in next time, because GEM will be back. I'll be grabbing some ice cream. Bye. 

END


End file.
